My son just turned two, and I feel emotionally bombarded. They call it the terrible twos, as toddlers this age struggle between their reliance on their parents and their desire for independence, which means he will eventually learn to be on his own, sooner or later. I was waiting for this all the while. But now! Call me selfish, but all I can think is, the more his world grows, the farther he goes, and my space in his heart will only grow smaller. And how I will miss all this love!
In the last two years, he spent most of that time with me. Of course, he loves his father too. But, there is no argument that I am his favorite person. Even Scorpy agrees to it. Dhruv has already started with independent play. But every once in awhile, he comes to me and puts his palm on my lips for a kiss. Or he would pull my hands to take him in my arms and give a peck on my cheek. He checks up on me, smiles when I am happy, and hugs me when I am sad. He goes crazy when I am not around, and the moment he finds me, his face lights up like he hasn’t seen me in years. I feel like the most important person in the world.
I haven’t experienced this kind of love from anyone before, and I don’t think I can love anyone that way. Yes, I might have adored my parents the same way when I was a baby. But sadly, I don’t remember it. During arguments, my mother says, “You don’t love me anymore like you used to.”. And I used to think, “What is she saying? I love her, and I cannot possibly love her more or less than I do.”. But now I know what she meant and I agree, I don’t love her like I used to.
Parenthood sure is confusing. One day, I wish he was grown enough to be on his own. And the next day, I want to freeze the time and hold on to my little baby. It’s hard to let go. But if I don’t, then that would be the worst thing I do to my son. I want him to live life in his terms, make mistakes, learn new things, travel, and explore the world. I want him to be happy with his choices. The least I can do for that is not to be selfish, provide the space he wants, and trust him with every step he takes. Let him be.
Let him grow and be on his own. Until then, I will soak up in all this love and the moments I get to spend with him.